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Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft
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He says he loves you. So...why does he do that? You've asked yourself this question again and again. Now you have the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men---and to change your life. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men shows you how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship. You will learn about:
- The early warning signs
- Ten abusive personality types
- The role of drugs and alcohol
- What you can fix, and what you can't
- How to get out of a relationship safely
- Sales Rank: #4758 in Audible
- Published on: 2011-06-30
- Format: Unabridged
- Original language: English
- Running time: 815 minutes
Most helpful customer reviews
8 of 8 people found the following review helpful.
Best book I've read on abusive, controlling men.
By T.D. Hart
I've been out of a psychologically abusive relationship with a narcissist for just over a year and have read literally dozens of books describing how to come to grips and recover from the damage of abuse, but this is by far the most complete description of the behavior I experienced. Bottom line (and this is life changing): He is 100% responsible for his behavior and I am 100% responsible for my behavior. His anger and blaming and excuses all stem from his feeling entitled to control my life, my sexuality, my career goals, my self esteem. His contempt for women is the problem, and all my attempts to compromise and give more only enforced his delusion. No other book made it so clear. I'm far better off--and so are my kids--living a life free of abuse.
12 of 12 people found the following review helpful.
This Book Will Haunt You. Please Please Read It.
By J. E. Marlin
This is a book about abusive relationships. You will notice that `abuse' is nowhere in the title. I suspect this is because everyone has their own definition of what constitutes abuse, and it almost never covers what they themselves are doing - or being subjected to - are seeing and are concerned about. So, with a title like "angry and controlling men," they are more likely to pick up the book, thinking, "Hey, this might apply to the confusing situation I am facing."
Can a man abuse a woman without physically harming her? Yes. He can scream at her. He can throw things around the house. He can vandalize her property. He can routinely blame her for everything that goes wrong in his life, or he can constantly critique her and tear her down, or he can call her names that when I tried to put them in this review, got it banned from Amazon.
This does not mean that just any unpleasant behavior earns the title abuse. Bancroft uses the word "abuse," but he does not use it irresponsibly. For example, he says that if someone is angry all the time, "I would not like it," but it is not necessarily abuse.
Abuse is not a binary kind of behavior that is only invoked when the fists fly, but a deeply ingrained, unrepentant attitude of ownership, entitlement, contempt and resentment that a man displays, not toward most people in his life, but toward "his" woman (including past women). Does it always escalate into physical abuse? Not always. It can still be extremely destructive, even if it never does.
Does this sound hard to read? It is. Despite being written in a very readable style, this book is in some ways torture to read. The only thing worse would be to live it. I recommend that everyone who can stand to, should read this book, because it clears up so much of the confusion that prevails in abusive situations ... confusion in the mind of the victims, the observers, and even (especially?) the professionals.
Even if you only read the first three or four chapters, you will be far ahead. The very first chapter, titled "The Mystery," begins with the confusion felt by victims (who might not see themselves as victims) and their friends, as they try to understand the situation and the abuser. "He says I'm too sensitive. Maybe I am." "Have I changed or has he changed?" "Why does he DO that?"
This confusion is created by the abuser himself, in his highly successful attempts to justify himself to himself, to his victim, and to the people around him. Bancroft did not did start out with this assumption, by the way, but came to it after years of working with abusers in mandatory counseling groups. When he started out, he believed what the abusers told him about how their behavior was caused by their wives' failings, their traumatic childhoods, their unemployment, or the hurts done them by past girlfriends; that they didn't know what they were doing; that they "lost control." Only after several years did the author start to cotton on to the lies.
Also confusing is the fact that many abusers can actually be kind (yes, kind) in between abusive incidents.
Add to this the fact that the victim may indeed have some mental problems of her own (alcoholism, depression, etc.), either predating the abuse or brought on by it. If she has lived with abuse long enough, she may be barely functional. The abuser, meanwhile, is functional in his life at large (except when it comes to treating his wife well), and appears to be a sane, trustworthy person. To top it all off, he has told her many times that his behavior is her fault. (In fact, he may accuse her of abusing him ... referring to her attempts to defend herself.)
Small wonder, then, that the abused woman, her friends, and society at large cannot figure out what her problem is. If they start from the assumption that the abuser is a decent guy who means well, they will never figure out the situation. There are decent guys who mean well. This book is not about them.
This book is admirably free of psychobabble. For example, in one chapter Bancroft examines in some detail a frustrating conversation between a whiny, controlling man and his wife, which ends with him insisting on walking home in the cold, even though she would be willing to drive him. The author then analyzes why the man chose to walk home and resent it. Of course, his main motive is to maintain the role of victim, to keep himself in the right and his wife in the wrong, so that he can tell himself (and tell everyone else later) how she "left him" to walk home in the cold. Bancroft then adds, "Also, deep down inside [the man] there is a human being who knows that what he is doing is wrong."
In another place, he says, "Most people, when you confront them about something they are doing wrong, get defensive and deny it at first. But later, when they have had some time to cool down, they will come back and admit you were right. Abusers do not do this. They use the passage of time to find additional arguments about why they are right."
One last note. There is a fascinating, counterintuitive warning (late in the book), that women in abusive situations should not seek couples' counseling. "Couples' counseling is designed for problems that are mutual." Abuse is not mutual. It is unilateral. It is not the result of a communication problem. Furthermore, couples' counseling can be dangerous (!) for the wife. The reassuring presence of the counselor might get the wife to open up and say things to, or about, her husband that she would never otherwise dream of uttering. Then, when they get home (or even, in one chilling case, in the car on the way home), she can face violent retaliation.
This book will haunt you, but definitely read it. It might help you someday to help someone else, even if it is only by being the only person who believes her.
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful.
Confusing behavior makes a lot more sense now
By Carolyn Hasenfratz
This was a really painful book for me to read and this is going to be a really painful review to write.
I once had an employer who fit the emotionally abusive criteria in this book. When he first hired me, he treated me very well. He praised my abilities often. He gave me credit for increased business. He sent me to training and paid for it. He gave me the second best office in the building after his. I thought I had the best boss ever – so much better than all the ones I’d had before. I worked really hard for this boss, and it was my pleasure. It’s nice to have my hard work acknowledged and appreciated!
After a few very happy years, I started noticing that he seemed to be undermining my projects and encouraging other employees to keep information from me that would help me do my job. It didn’t seem to matter if clients were being harmed in the process. No boss would do that, would he? I was just being paranoid, wasn’t I? He started discouraging me from learning new things. He started telling me I didn’t have the ability to learn what I wanted to learn. Then one day he insulted me in front of other employees, then tried to talk me into quitting. When I wouldn’t agree to quit without finding a new job first, he fired me. Then he asked if we could still be friends!
This behavior was unlike any I’d ever experienced before, and I found it baffling. I didn’t enjoy the process, but I got over it pretty quickly because I found a better paying job with an even better boss within 18 hours. I’d noticed this boss lying to other people in the past – I just need to be more skeptical about people who lie, right? If I ever meet someone like this again I’ll be able to recognize it, won’t I?
During the summer before last, I started dating a guy. I was really impressed by how he treated me. He opened doors for me. He made baked goods for me. He showed me lots of affection. He seemed interested in what I said and when I did nice things for him he expressed appreciation. It was wonderful to finally be in a relationship where I was treated well – so much better than all the others. I met his friends and family. Nobody warned me to watch out. For months he talked often of our future life together. We discussed where we’d like to have a wedding, what kind of reception, where we’d live, whether to get a trailer so we could haul two kayaks. I’d never caught him in a lie about his background or work or anything like that. I’d never seen him lie to anyone else – I thought he was an honest guy. When he said he loved me I believed him.
For several months he had also been suggesting there might be something wrong with me, like ADD. I thought he was trying to help me. Several times he expressed doubt about my ability to manage money even though I have no debt and he has quite a bit. He seemed less interested in my activities and interests but he still feigned enough to satisfy me. One night this past summer he talked about where to go on a honeymoon and the very next day, he told me he’d been thinking about breaking up with me for months. Why? Because he was angry that I had a garden and rented an art studio, plus I didn’t make enough money to suit him. He tried to talk me into breaking up with him but when I wouldn’t he did it a few days later. He said he still wanted to be friends later!
Well, here I was taken in by the same kind of emotionally abusive person again, going through the exact same stages again, only this time it was much more hurtful because I had really loved him and was changing my plans for my life to include him in it. I thought I was safe with him but he wanted to hurt me for having interests and accomplishments. What is wrong with me that I am vulnerable to this kind of abuse? How can I avoid getting sucked in again?
I read this book hoping to get answers, and I learned a lot. There are certain subtle warning signs that I will pay more attention to next time, although I’m not sure how early one can detect abuse if the person is really good at hiding it. My ex-boyfriend is a very good actor and he had apparently read up on what signs to try to hide – he seemed to cover his tracks ahead of time on so many of the characteristics I should have been looking for. According to the author they do try to hide these things until they are sure you really love them and won’t let go so easily. There are guidelines to tell whether an abuser is a good candidate for change and how to tell if they are changing. I realize I’m lucky I got dumped because the vast majority do not change. Some of them dump you as a punishment for not agreeing with them on everything. How do you know if you’ve been abused? This book will help you figure that out. Lying to someone for months is abuse, for example. There are chapters in the book that address when the relationship goes further than ours did – what to do when you’re financially dependent, if there are kids, if you fear it’s not safe to get out, if it escalates to physical violence. It was helpful to read about some of the things I’ve been spared. My emotionally abusive boss had been taken into custody for physically assaulting his wife, I found out later from public records, so the pattern described in the book sure does fit. It’s reassuring to read that my abusers wanted me to think there is something wrong with me so I’d be easier to control but they may have attacked me precisely because there is a lot RIGHT with me and it feeds their ego to hurt me because I am so accomplished. Their incomprehensible behavior now makes sense – making you feel great in the beginning is a tactic called “Love Bombing”. Trying to confuse you or make you doubt yourself is called “Gaslighting”. Learn about lots more tactics in here.
This book was hard for me to read and digest, but there are things in here that everyone needs to know. I felt better just reading the reviews so I knew this would be a good book for me to read. Abuse isn’t just a problem that makes women suffer – my male co-worker was a victim of a brutal crime last week. What is the difference between violent crime and abuse? Both involve someone thinking that they are entitled to cause others’ suffering to meet their own selfish needs. Read this to arm yourself against abuse.
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